let the words spill out honestly

I'm trying to find my voice.

Yes...in my fifties, and trying to find my voice...still.  

In having a reserved and cautious personality, I have often found it difficult to say out loud my true thoughts and feelings, especially in the moment, but I have grown and become stronger and learned to speak up.  I am proud of some particular moments when I've stood up, to the surprise of some, and spoken out my thoughts and said out loud what I really felt.

A few months ago my husband sent me a link to a video on Facebook that was circulating and it so resonated with me and struck such a deep place within me that I sent it to my daughters and to my close friends.  It was me--in so many ways, it was me.  Everything You Ever Wanted is on the Other Side of Fear.  Then, a few weeks later, in a completely coincidental event, I came across a video that I would not have otherwise sought out and that again struck such a deep place within me that it brought tears to my eyes and I found myself watching it over and over and over again in the days and weeks that followed, turning up the volume, listening with earbuds, taking in the message, over and over.  I was embarrassed to tell anyone--it was a video by a young, beautiful, pop-star diva--and it was bringing me to tears.

Someone was trying to tell me something. 

Then a close friend at work sent me an email with another link...you have to hear this, she said--another young, beautiful, pop-star singing about bravery and saying what you want to say--it was all adding up. Find your bravery.

Find your voice...say what you mean to say...ROAR if you have to...but find your voice. 

It's a challenge so many of us find ourselves up against, especially as girls and women.  So here's to us--we who are challenging the world with our voices.  Here's to my 81-year-old mother speaking up for herself in ways she never has before and learning to manage a checkbook and pay bills for the first time in her life.  Here's to my daughter who has found a peace and centeredness she didn't know she had--within her very own heart.  Here's to my shy, quiet 8-year-old granddaughter who wants to sing like Adele.  Here's to my step-daughter and my daughters-in-law who are changing their lives for the better by being brave, speaking up for themselves, and challenging the world with their voices, thoughts, and feelings. Here's to my friend who finally spoke up for herself and told the truth--and then made a very difficult and risky decision that will change her life forever.  Here's to me for speaking back to the vulgar customer at work, for speaking up in my family and with my friends.  For not remaining silent anymore.

Clearly, even the young, famous, rich, and beautiful among us have not escaped this great challenge either. Pop star, working mom, old, young, rich, poor, beautiful or homely...let's link arms and re-courage each other.  Each of us is facing great battles--within and without.  Let's find our voices together.

sleep...He is awake

I can't even remember right now what all has happened over the past month--but I can tell you that I feel like I've been crawling through a mine field on my belly wondering at what moment I was either going to implode upon myself or explode into a thousand psychological and emotional fragments.  This period of my life is certainly among the top three most prolonged stressful times of my adult life.

This morning as I sat in my reading chair, the house tranquil and silent in the early morning hours, I read...have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones, and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.  God is awake.   (Victor Hugo)

If you can believe those words--and I do--there is a sweeping, swelling, all-encompassing peace that comes.

He is awake...

appearances

I have always known a few people who, at least on the surface, appear to have taken charge of their lives.  They seem to know what they can control and what they cannot.  They do not indulge in self-doubt.  They do not procrastinate.  They appear to have perfect marriages and problem-free children.  They are helpful people, always ready to give me advice about how to get my own life in order.  They would be wonderful company if they didn't make me feel like such a failure.  But the real trouble is, I don't believe them.  

The perfectly functioning people are always people I do not know very well. 

                                  

                                                                                                           --The Awakened Heart, Gerald May

shackled

My children are adults now.  They are no longer children.  They must live their own lives, and they need freedom from me—the one who wanted to meet all their needs and couldn’t.  My role has changed from the one who was to give all to the one who must let go of all.  Know where they are at every moment for over 25 years and then—stop.  Stop and let go and let them live their lives.  And reflect on all the things you thought were so right and so important and see now that they weren’t important or that you were flat-out wrong.  You were misinformed, you thought you saw things the way they were, but you saw incorrectly.  You thought you were loving, but you were only protecting yourself.  You thought you knew what would equip them best, but you ended up shackling their souls.  You thought they would remember and feel loved, but they remember and feel hurt. 

It's not the entire truth.  It's not the whole story.  But it is part of the truth, and it is part of the story. The part you hoped would never happen.